Parenting with Firmness and the Instructional Routine: Building Character with Love and Consistency
Parenting is one of the most fulfilling—and challenging—responsibilities God has given us. I remember a moment when my daughter was about four years old, and I asked her to clean up her toys. Instead of obeying right away, she hesitated, testing the boundaries. In that moment, I realized that my response would shape not just her behavior, but her heart. I still remember the first time my child looked up at me, waiting for direction, and I realized how much she depended on me not just to set rules but to guide her heart. As parents, we naturally want our children to listen and obey, but what if discipline wasn’t just about getting them to comply? What if we could shape their hearts and character through consistency and love?
In this post, I’ll share two powerful tools for biblical parenting: firmness and the instructional routine. These strategies help break the cycle of repeating yourself a hundred times while teaching your child responsibility, respect, and perseverance.
Firmness: Loving Boundaries That Build Character
Many parents hear the word "firmness" and immediately think of stern faces and strict rules. But firmness isn’t about being harsh—it’s about being clear, consistent, and calm. It’s the steady railing that guides our children, giving them structure and security. Firmness, when balanced with a strong relationship, provides a foundation for character growth.
Think about it: A child can only handle as much structure as the relationship allows. When children know they are deeply loved, they respond better to the boundaries we set. That’s why firmness works best when it’s rooted in a loving connection.
Actionable Steps to Practice Firmness:
- Be Calm and Clear – Give instructions with a steady tone, avoiding yelling or frustration.
- Follow Through Consistently – Mean what you say. If you tell your child to put away their shoes before dinner, ensure it happens.
- Set Clear Expectations – Instead of vague commands like “Be good,” use specific instructions like “Put your toys in the basket now.”
- Stay Steady Through Resistance – When your child pushes back, remain firm and loving. Say, “We’re not moving on until this is done.”
Firmness is a gift. It reassures your child that they are safe and that your words have meaning. I once worked with a parent who struggled with bedtime battles. By implementing a firm but loving approach—consistently enforcing bedtime while providing a warm, reassuring presence—the battles faded, and bedtime became peaceful. But to make this structure work, we need a plan—a routine that helps our children learn how to listen and follow through. That’s where the instructional routine comes in.
The Instructional Routine: Teaching Obedience with Purpose
The instructional routine is a simple, structured way to teach children how to listen, follow through, and take responsibility. It’s not about demanding obedience—it’s about training them with clear, loving guidance.
This routine consists of three steps:
- Come When Called – Teach your child to respond immediately when their name is called by saying, “Yes, Mom” or “Yes, Dad.” Avoid yelling from across the room. Instead, walk over, get close, and create connection before giving instructions.
- Do the Task – Give a specific direction, like “Please put the blocks in the bin now.” The word now helps children understand this is immediate, not later.
- Report Back – Once the task is complete, your child comes to you and says, “I’m done.” This builds accountability. You inspect their work, offer praise or gentle correction, and then release them with affirmation.
This routine is simple but powerful. It teaches responsibility and helps children develop a habit of listening and following through without endless reminders.
Tailoring the Instructional Routine for Different Ages
For toddlers and preschoolers, keep it simple. Instead of saying, “Clean up your toys,” break it down: “Put the blocks in the bin now.” Use gestures and model the behavior. Celebrate their success with excitement: “You did it! You listened and obeyed!”
For elementary-age children, give tasks with more responsibility, like clearing the dinner table. Praise their effort: “I noticed you wiped the table so thoroughly. Thank you for doing a complete job.”
For tweens and teens, shift towards partnership. Instead of demanding, involve them in finding solutions. If laundry is left on the floor, say, “I’ve noticed your clothes aren’t making it to the hamper. What system would help you remember?” Humor helps too: “Should we start a new trend of floor fashion?”
What About Resistance?
Resistance is normal. The key is to handle it calmly and consistently. Here are a few quick tips:
- Stay Emotionally Steady – Your calm presence helps de-escalate the situation.
- Use Fewer Words – Keep instructions simple and direct.
- Acknowledge Feelings – “I know you don’t want to stop playing, but it’s time to clean up.”
- Give Clear Choices – “Would you like to put away the cars first or the blocks?” For younger kids, tantrums and defiance are common responses. If your preschooler refuses to pick up toys, stay calm, get on their level, and say, “I need you to pick up the blocks now.” If they resist, don’t engage in a power struggle. Simply say, “You can sit here until you’re ready to help.”
Older children may argue or ignore you. Instead of getting drawn into the debate, say, “We’re not moving on until this task is done.” If defiance becomes a pattern, have a heart-to-heart conversation: “What’s making this task hard for you?” Listening to their feelings can reveal deeper struggles and open the door for guidance.
Encouragement for Parents: Progress Over Perfection
Parenting with firmness and routines won’t transform everything overnight, but every small step builds a foundation of character and peace. I once met a mom who was discouraged because her child resisted structure. But over time, as she consistently applied the instructional routine, she noticed her child becoming more cooperative and responsible. Small, steady steps make a difference! You don’t have to be perfect—you just have to be consistent.
If you need more guidance, I’d love to help. Download my free resource, 10 Steps to Nurturing Your Child’s Heart, for practical steps to implement heart-based parenting in your home: Visit my website at scriptureguidedparenting.com or email me at podcast@scriptureguidedparenting.com.
Let’s walk this journey together! For more biblical parenting insights, subscribe to my podcast Raising Hearts for Christ, and join our community in the Christian Parenting: Tips for Faith and Family Life Facebook group.
Train. Trust. Transform. Let’s raise children whose hearts beat for Christ!